Thursday, July 31, 2008

Colon Superfood Showdown Round 3: Brett Favre


Aujourd'hui nous allons parler de Colon Superfood numéro trois, Brett Favre.

Yes, the entire Brett Favre situation is a superfood in itself. It makes my colon happy, resplendent with its toned excellence. Why? What does Brett Favre have to do with my colon?

The answer is: Shit, as in "I don't give one shit, or two shitts about Brett Favre's situation." Look - I like the guy, but couldn't give a crap. Sign for a team in the division, sign for the Chargers. I don't care.

Having said that, though, I actually could give a crap. Because, as you know, I love to poop. Next time I let one loose, I'll look down in the bowl, and say, "That's for you, #4." In fact, I extend this offer to all my readers (ahem) - I will give a crap, for YOU. So next time you say, "No one cares about me!" and you go into your corner, cry, or curl into the corner of your nearest shower, saying "I feel so dirty," etc, say a new mantra. In fact, here is your new Mantra:

"Someone gives a crap for me." You can even personalize it - "David gives a crap for me."

Because I do. Every day. Unless I've eaten a lot of starches and am dehydrated, in which case, I may have to Give a Crap for You Tomorrow. But I will.

I promise.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Colon SuperFood Showdown - Round Two

Yes, Dear reader, it is time for Colon Super Food Showdown #2. The last superfood, you will recall, was Melon.


Specifically, Frida Kahlo brand Tequila.

It's delicious, nutritious, and life affirming. Also easy drinking, straight out of the bottle.

Like Mother's Milk. Which, if you desire, can be the official selection of Colon SuperFood Showdown Round #3, coming soon, you clean-colon-loving bastards.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Colon Super Foods Showdown- Round 1

Yes, you read it correctly - I am going to tell you about colon superfoods.

Why all the talk about colons lately?

Well, I am a man who likes his colon, specifically its well-being, integrity, and the untenable je ne sais quoi which keeps me going back for more. Back to the john, that is, to use my fully functional eliminating matrix.

So, now that you have that image burned into your mind, know this: The Superfood I have chosen for you in round one of our showcase showdown (tm) will have you gasping for air. Screaming for Mercy. Begging for salvation. Just remember: Only the peninent man will pass. But even the penitent man has trouble passing stones. In fact, it makes a man go from penitent to suppine in minimal tiempo. I imagine I would be troubled by such a passing, as well. That's why I drink a lot of water. In fact, we'll give water de facto position # 1/2 on the Colon Super Food showdown. And remember, Radex Malores es Cupiditat.

But, now is not the time for such unpleaseantries, but quite the opposite - Es La Hora de Cucci Cucci! And to help in this time of great cucci cucci, you need the astonishing, revelatory power of my Colon SuperFood #1, which is.....

On Friday, I ate half of a honeydew melon. Or canteloupe. Not sure which it was, but all I know is that on Saturday - Full on poop festival.
Although I did consume a lot of beer and tequila in Tijuana on Friday night, so perhaps that had something to do with it. But, I digress; today is Melon's time: Es la hora de melon. And I am not one to step on someone's hora with wanton parlance of something else. So, for a healthy colon, eat melon. You'll poop great.
Stay tuned for continuing updates to the Colon Super Foods Showdown. All. This. Fucking. Week.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Best Colon Supplement in the History of Earth

Impacted feces making you long for that great release? Is there a colon cleanse on your horizon? How about in your REAR VIEW mirror? Guffaw! Clean that colon, son.

Normally, this blog has nothing to do with colons, colonics, or any of that good stuff. However, due to the title, "Death Begins in the Colon," I get many hits from people looking for better ways to help themselves achieve colon health. Even emails from old friends. So this is for them. And YOU, dear reader - even if you have no colon problems currently, what I have to say here may prove quite informative.

The Greatest Colon/Poop Enhancing Supplement Currently Available to Humankind (or T.G.C.P.E.S.C.A.t.H, as I habitually refer to it in common conversation) is none other than Dr. Schulze's Intestinal Formula #1

Feeling a bit blocked up after pizza binge? Recently quit drinking coffee, and suddenly you're carrying around some unexpelled girth? Pop a Schulze. No, pop Two!

What also works is lots of fucking beer. Especially Fat Tire, though I imagine any beer will do in large quantities. When I lived in Colorado, people swore by it's laxative properties. And it makes you gassy! Which is great - if, in fact, gassy is a state you desire.

The 52nd state, if you will.

Thank you for listening to my poop diatribe. I love poop.

And how's the sobriety going? Six Days Strong, no alcohol, small amounts of Ambien, no weed, marginal coffee intake. Even managed to fall asleep completely drug free last night - unless you count copious amounts of feta cheese, pasta, and cheesecake as drugs. Which they could be. Especially since I snorted them.

Well, not really, but in a metaphorical sense. In the Shakespearean sense. But not a Boolean sense.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Drug free in '03!

Yes, today is the fifth day of an attempted two week detox program (no booze, no weed) and, surprisingly, I am not crawling up the walls.

Kicking the caffeine and meat is another story, however, and I am not sure I am even going to attempt either. Many moons ago I managed to go three days on the "Master Cleanse" lemonade diet, but it didn't work out so well. I went into it having drank a whole bunch the day before, and really just had a sugar headache from the maple syrup. Other than that, though, nothing special. Probably could have waited it out, but didn't.

What else is new.. Hmm.. Found a great new up-and-coming San Diego artist singing about "Lime Green."

My original song "Cthulhu Waits Deaming" is climbing the charts at YouTube.

Started reading "The Power of One."

Continued my quest for colonic excellence.

Friday, July 11, 2008

How Butch Women can Heal Troubled Teens - A Match made in California

I had a great idea for this and then I slightly forgot it, so I am going to attempt to remember it by typing.

Ok, so with the legalization of same sex marriages in California, I imagine there is going to be a great debate about adoption regarding these same sex couples. Well, if there isn't a debate, I am ready to throw my hat in and start one! You see, the issue at hand is this: Troubled Teens.

Follow me? Okay, so the story is this. There are some male on male and female on female couples out there who want kids, but due to their biological makeup, or lack of genetic intervention/innovation, cannot make it happen. You push, you pull, you tug, but in the end, try as you might, ain't nothing popping out of that womb (or stomach, if you are wombless, like the typical guy on guy coupling). So you gotta go get yis'self an adoption.

Now, for those of us who don't know, and adoption is different than an abortion. Yes, only two letters different, but if you google it, you'll find out what I'm saying. So, you're one of them newfangled gay married couples, and you want a kid. You go to the Adopt Mart (tm). Or, you go to Thailand, or some other country that lets you Adopt Asian Children. Whatever your need. Here's my take, though:

There are tons of "middle-aged" children available to adopt who have no shot at it. No shot. Troubled Teens, some might say, who get shuttled around from foster home to half way house, until they are 18, never knowing a mother's love. But you know what could heal these teens? TWO MOTHER'S LOVE! One caring, sentimental, and feminine love, and one short haired, masculinely built, good at softball love! That's some double loving you can't find in most places.

In fact, I think it should be mandatory that if you want to adopt, and you are a my two mom (or dad) scenario, than you have to take a Troubled Teen as a child. No fresh young whippersnappers for you, my dear(s) - California gave you a new lease on married life, return the favor and help out one of California's Troubled Teens.

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