Sunday, May 07, 2006

Keith Moon, Axel, Thierry Henry, Ralph, Jack, Piggy, the Pope, Grasshopper, and Minion walk into my Sunday... and out breaks Twisted Metal 8.


Or, as we say in English, Welcome, dear reader, to the latest installment of naturalistic photography depicting the environs of yours truly, endowing thine own retinas and corneas to a cornucopia of both flora and fauna.

Truly divine, n'est ce pas?

Once did verily lurk a pumpkin beneath the bushes a gauche..

...governed by sprawling beasties. No, not this enthralling young feline..

But this one.

And, in a shocking yet wholly unremarkable coincidence, nay, liason of concommitance, I again regale you with a photo referencing video games: I thee tell, dear reader, the tale of the following photo. T'is a tale of devastation, loss, betrayal, greed, heresy, ignominy, destruction, and, of course, Besmirchment. It is also, however, a shining beacon of hope and dignified self-expression, a solemn reminder and embodiment of True, Wholly Religious, and ultimately, Purifying Redemption.

T'is a tale of The Grid. And to tell the tale of the Grid, you must know, or be told, the tale of Twisted Metal 2.

Clink the link for a comprehensive overview, but for a brief synopsis: You have a vehicle. Your partner has a vehicle. Your mission is to go through the cities of Los Angeles, Moscow, Paris, Amazonia (fictional) New York, Antarctica (not a city) , Holland (country), and finally, Hong Kong (city-state), blowing up cars, kill or be killed. Needless to say, I have defeated this game hundreds of times - on all modes of difficulty. To understand the grid above, consider The X axis: each color represents a different character. Thumper. Axel. Grasshopper. Sweetooth. Mr. Grim. Warthog. Shadow. Mr. Slam. Spectre. Roadkill.

And the Y-Axis? The same fucking thing. The grid represents playing every combination of cars in two player mode on maximum difficulty, as played by myself and the man who was once a Golden Shower. Notice all the boxes are checked off. Damn right. Favorite character? Thumper. Favorite teammate? Axel. Minion, lord of Amazonia? My Bitch. Now and Forever.

My drink? Bud E, on the rocks, splash of Kamchatka Vodka.

And a Michelob backer. Just a small one, though.

Lord of the Flies guy actually landed in my tree, not the cave. Who was speaking to Simon, before he ran back to camp, only to be "terminated" by "friendly fire" from Jack and the boys? We may never know.

Ah, life. It's a jungle out there.


Blogger Candy Minx said...

Oh my god, I loved this photo essay SO MUCH! Is that your kitchen? It looks so cool. I respect your drink of choice mate. I really liked the grid and I actually think I understand it because its kind of how I think when I game. Very seldom do I play though...I don't have time, my boyfriend would kill me if I turned into a frat boy. You've already likely seen photos of what our place looks like, between two recylcing collecting garbage gluing artists we gather up a lot fo stuff between us, mags, coasters, flyers its crazy so I have to keep it all tight somehow so we don't smother.

Love your back yard or gardent oo, cute cats. Thanks a mil for the photos...makes a blog COME ALIVE...

Candy (and thanks for the book rec)

Anonymous melina said...

this is one of your best yet, i say verily, i do...and such a cute cat!

i don't know which thing i laughed more at, but ending with a lord of the flies/simon reference has rendered me oxygen-less from excessive laughter.

i love your bougainvillea! wow, that's one tricky word to spell.

Blogger Slinky Redfoot said...

nice pussy. I'm talking about the cat.


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